Joints n’ Jams.

This fucking time, inspiration didn’t drag me here.. but my pain did. Unwritten, hidden, unshared pain. You can’t judge me on my imagination, don’t you fucking dare do or try. Who you’re about to listen to is far from being figured out. What you’re about to read here might open wounds or make you conscious of the world we’re living in. I don’t know man, just live it.

Like Drake’s ‘Marvin’s Room’ bass, my heart was thumping rhythmically. Head started to tingle, getting to a dream like state. Good music heard so clear, it’s like the speakers are inside you. Feels like I’m floating in thin air. That laid-back feeling with poor imbalance and incoordination taking over. Lights down low, smoke swamping the place, naked pictures deluging my mind. “Maybe I’m addicted to naked pictures and sitting talking about bitches that I almost had”, I whispered.

“No, you’re just backed,” She cut me off. “We both know you can get any fucking girl you want, man. It’s just, the only assholes that you tend to fall for are not.. you know.. gay”.

“Kiss me,” I muttered.

Didn’t take much to get her tongue licking mine and her ass on my lap. Her long beautiful legs placed around my waist, moving to the music. Both were broken and uneven, might as well love and dance all evenin’. We danced, danced and made one-night-love to each other.

It’s like she waited for me to get stoned to show her love. When I sober up, she never bothered to remind me. She loved to keep it to herself, or maybe she loved to keep our relationship. Maybe she wants to be the rebound to take the pain away. Too many maybe’s…

“Fuck this, fuck her, fuck love and fuck you too, Lulu,” I repeated until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next day on the floor with a fucked headache. Same shit happening all over again. I would wonder around the room, trying to figure out what happened last night but it’s like trying to remember a vague dream. So I shake it out of my head and start living the present.

I dragged myself to the bathroom to shower it off. Something in my reflection caught my eyes, what a mess I was. And being the person that always cleans up other people’s mess in the name of love, I -myself can’t clean up my messed up shit. What a shame.

I washed up and got in new clothes. My hair was the shower-and-go-out type, so I don’t put much effort in it. Who am I kidding man? I don’t put much effort in anything.

I walked to the balcony to take my phone, where it had been all night before getting all stoned. 8 missed calls from Lulu. 2 Unread Messages:

ZainKw:
Make UNLIMITED Calls to any number(Zain, Wataniya, Viva, or local landline) till Wednesday midnight for only 2 KD! Send 71 to 999 to activate now!

Lulu:
I’m at starfucks, eating breakfast. Join when you’re up.

I took a glance at the time. It was only 8 in the morning. What am I fucking doing at 8 A.M?

Texted Lulu “I’m too laid back to drive L, bring your ass and one double espresso. Not mentally ready to see strangers.”

Couples of minutes later, Lulu steps in with two Starbucks bags. “You need to eat since you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday’s lunch,” She said putting the bags in front of me.

“Lulu, maternal Lulu,” I teased.

“Shut up and eat.”

Did as I was told. I don’t eat breakfast unless I’m forced to. Lulu considers breakfast as the most important meal of the day. Actually she thinks of it this way, “You eat breakfast, you have a good day. You don’t eat breakfast, oh what a fucked up day you’ll be having”.

Lulu has always been there for me. Ups, downs, middles, always there. We’re both very protective of each other. I care about her the way she does. Sometimes Lulu fills the empty space my mother left in my life, which makes me think of her as the mother I’ve never had. That warm motherly affection Lulu has, could light up my life.

“Much love for you Lulu,” I said kissing her forehead.

“Much love for you and friday mornings, habeebty.”

“It’s crazy. I can’t remember anything from yesterday night whatsoever. Do you?” I asked for an answer.

She took out the food from the bags and placed them on the table neatly. “No, I tried to figure out anything but I only remember small details. You had music on then you told me shit about being addicted to naked pictures”.

“Weird,” I said confused.

Denial, denial, denial…

What is it like talking to yourself every night?

Here I am… staring at a blank page, wishing words wrote their selves. I would’ve had uncountable stacks of books explaining what you’re feeling right now. Confusion takes over the words I use to explain to you. Sometimes, there aren’t words to deliver the picture, but bear with me. I want you to read what I’m about write, not only from my side of PC screen, I even want you to put yourself on the opposite side and be in my shoes for a moment.

I apologize if I don’t make sense, or don’t get into details. But, I’ll let you know enough to judge.

You’ve always been looked at differently, but now more than ever. You did all the shit anyone can imagine and you’ve reached a point where you don’t know who you are anymore. Your whole life, you’ve never thought of the consequences before doing something, impulsive acts. These impulsive acts fucked your whole life over, enough to make you wish for death. Enough to make you think of yourself as a waste of blood, bones, flesh and soul.

And at the end of each night, you think of changing. Maybe one day, nicotine will find its way out of your body. Maybe one day, memories will find their way out of your mind. Maybe one day, the scars of love will heal. Maybe one day, you will find yourself again, with or without that person.

Meanwhile, all you thought about was leaving. You thought that leaving will end everything, but it will only push back everything for a while. Once you’re back, whatever’s behind you will assail you.

Until next time,
Yourself.

Intro.

I placed it between my pouty lips and ignited it. I took a puff on it and breathed the smoke back into my lungs. I waited patiently for the satisfaction and relief it provided to hit me. I sucked in another amount of smoke then blew a cloud of shit out.

Describing the pleasure derived from smoking with words was impossible. It took me to another world that’s full of nothing and empty of life.

I smiled as I watched the smoke wafting lazily from your lips in my head. But I knew how much you hated smoking, that’s why it makes me feel better. It keeps you away for a bit, but you still keep invading my thoughts when I’m out of packs.

Nothing makes sense in this world anymore, why would I? I killed myself, not having a reason to live. I kept myself away from love, not having a reason to love again. I cried my eyes out, not having a reason to smile again. I lost myself, hoping you come back and find that person I used to be.

You started this… Started something, I couldn’t finish. I know it was my entire fault, I left. But what you did pushed me to the door. I couldn’t look back and trust you again, so I opened the door and left. Funny that even after 10 months, I’m still outside your door, knowing that you moved out, to another girl’s heart.

But I’m gonna have to finish this… on my own.